My Heart
by nofearonlylove
Summary: She felt Nicky bury her face into her neck, felt her tears falling on her hoodie. She was clutching onto Red desperately, much like the first time she had held Nicky in her arms. Only this time her desperation wasn't coming from the physical pain she was feeling, but the fear of losing Red forever. ONESHOT.


**AN: Back again! Just some angsty fluff for all my Red/Nicky fans! If you enjoy this story, please review!**

Nicky had organized the entire party.

She helped make the toilet paper decorations, and the sign that said "GOOD LUCK RED". She even tried to tell Mendoza what to cook. Not that it would have mattered, since Mendoza did what she wanted, and they could only cook what was available to them that day anyway.

As a result, Red was banned from the activity room. She insisted on helping with the cooking, though. And everyone obliged her. After all, that kitchen would always be "Red's Kitchen".

Nicky had kept herself busy all day, whether it was with bossing people around in preparing the party, working, or sneaking away with Lorna for some "fun".

She had successfully been able to avoid Red all day.

She was hanging on by a thread.

The party was supposed to be at 7, right after dinner. This "privilege" that they had would only last an hour, and then it would be time to get ready for lights out.

When 7 PM came along, everyone was gathered in the activity room, and when Red joined them all, she beamed at all of them.

It was her send off.

Tomorrow Red would be released.

Red noticed Norma, a big smile on her face, but tears in her eyes. She hugged her best friend tightly, the woman who had been with her the longest. She promised to write, and visit. She thanked her friend for her companionship and support. She let a few tears of her own escape, but overall, she held it together.

She had words to say to almost everyone in the room, and she wanted to get the chance to, so she moved things along. She was able to say her goodbyes. To Lorna. To Big Boo. To Gina. To Frieda. To Mendoza.

But when she looked around the room for the person who meant more to her than anyone, she was alarmed to see that she was no where to be found.

She went to Lorna, and gently pulled her away from the humorous sounding conversation she seemed to be having with Boo & Gina. "Lorna...where is Nicky?"

Lorna's eyes widened and she looked around. Come to think of it, she hadn't seen Nicky in awhile. "I don't know, Red. That's weird. She's been bossing us around all day about this party, and she isn't even here?"

Red's eyes narrowed in concern and she took a deep breath. "Was she okay today?"

Lorna nods. "Yea, Red. I swear. She was her normal sarcastic self today."

Red swallows hard. Something was wrong. Nicky had planned all of this. It was her going away party. Why wouldn't she be here? She looks up at the clock in the room. The party was already half over. After it was finished she would seek her out. She just hoped she was okay.

The party broke up and Red left it with a smile on her face, but a heavy heart. Nicky never showed. It was her going away party, and Red needed her.

She was worried sick about her.

She went looking for her, discreetly, pretending to get ready for bed. She looked for her in the bathrooms. Nothing. She looked for her in the kitchen, her office, the laundry area. Nothing.

When all of the inmates had finished getting ready for bed, Red gave Piper and Alex their proper goodbye. She hugged them both and told them to do good. And that maybe she would see them again someday. She hoped to see all of them on the outside someday.

Red laid down in her bunk when the lights were turned off, her mind on Nicky. She had been avoiding her today. Somehow everywhere she looked, Nicky had been able to evade her. It was their last day together, and Red hadn't even gotten to spend time with her.

She couldn't sleep.

She snuck out of her bunk and went to Nicky's, gasping when she sees that Nicky isn't there.

She takes her toilet paper to the bathroom.

And that's when she hears it. A sniffle. A muffled sob. _Nicky._

She saw her small slipper-clad feet in the third stall. It was the stall that Red had held her hair back in so she could puke her brains out during her first week at Litchfield.

 _This was where it all started._

She took a deep breath and tapped her finger gently on the stall. "Nicky? It's me, _malyshka_. Are you okay?"

A heart-wrenching sob was all she got for an answer.

Red placed her hand on the door, not knowing that Nicky was doing the same on the other side. Red's eyes filled with tears, listening to Nicky cry like that but not being able to comfort her. "Are you going to open the door so we can talk?" Her voice was barely above a whisper. "Please, Nicky. I'm here. Just let me in. Please."

It took a minute, but Red finally heard the click of the lock to the door, and she gently pushed the door open.

Nicky was just standing there, looking down, her hands covering her face. Even now, with Red standing right in front of her, she couldn't face her. She couldn't face this. She couldn't face their goodbye, their inevitable separation.

Red shook her head and walked into the stall. It was just big enough for the both of them to fit in, so she closed the door behind her. She gently reached up and pulled Nicky's hands away from her face, and then cupped Nicky's face in her hands, lifting her head up so their eyes could meet. She wiped Nicky's tears away with her thumbs as they came. "Oh, Nicky...what happened?"

Nicky shook her head. "I'm sorry, Red. I'm sorry I wasn't at your...party. I just...I just couldn't...I couldn't..." _Say goodbye._

And all at once, Red understood. She had been hiding from Red all day to avoid the reality of tomorrow. That after tonight, Red would be gone and Nicky would be motherless. Red was her backbone. Red had saved her life, she had supported her when she didn't deserve it.

Red shook her head and wrapped her arms around Nicky, as tightly as she could. She felt Nicky bury her face into her neck, felt her tears falling on her hoodie. She was clutching onto Red desperately, much like the first time she had held Nicky in her arms. Only this time her desperation wasn't coming from the physical pain she was feeling, but the fear of losing Red forever.

Red played with Nicky's thick mane, letting her own tears fall. "This is not our goodbye, Nicky. I will never say goodbye to you, _malyshka_. I love you too much. Do you understand?"

Nicky nods, her loud sniffle echoing around them. She pulls back from Red and looks into her eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm happy you get to leave. I really am. I want you to be happy, Ma. You deserve it. I don't want you to think that I want you to stay because I'm being selfish. I just...what will happen now?"

Red puts Nicky's hair behind her shoulders and reaches over to kiss her gently on the forehead. "What will happen now is I will be released, and you will continue to stay out of trouble, and spend time with Lorna, and work, and just be your usual optimistic, sarcastic self, Nicky Nichols. And when you get out of here, I will be waiting for you."

Nicky's eyes widen. "But Ma...you have your sons and...you'll be busy...I don't..."

Red puts her hand over Nicky's mouth to silence her. "Yes. I have my sons. And grandchildren, and an unknown future beyond these walls. But my daughter is _here_."

Nicky shook her head, her face dissolving into more tears. "No, no, no. Red you can't want _me_! I'm a nobody. I have _nothing_ to offer you!"

Red again cups her face in her hands. "Nicky...I came here hoping to just survive 15 years in tact. To leave this place with my sanity and some dignity. It's all any of us can hope for. But then I met you. And you are my heart. I had been looking for it my entire life it seemed and then suddenly there you were. My heart. That's what you gave to me these last 3 years, Nicky. I'll be forever grateful to you. And you will call me, and I will come visit. This is not the end for us, Nicky. I know you're scared. I am, too. But when you get out, I will be out there, waiting for you. Never doubt that, _malyshka_."

Nicky shakes her head but wraps her arms around Red once more. "I know I don't say it enough...but I love you. I'll make you proud. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. You saved me. In more ways than one. You make me feel like I'm worth something."

Red kisses the side of her head. "You _are_."

Nicky nods. "I'll miss you. Every day."

Red takes a deep breath and pulls back one more time. "Until the day I die, Nicky. You are my heart. Just remember that whenever you think of me. Remember that I'm out there, waiting for you. And we will find a way to make things work on the outside...together. I promise."

Nicky can only manage a nod. "It's getting late. I guess we should try to get some sleep."

Nicky nods, taking her hand and walking them out of the stall. She leads them out of the bathroom, and Red looks at her with questioning eyes. "Will you see me off tomorrow, my girl?"

Nicky nods, her eyes filling once more. "I'll be there. I promise."

 **FIN.**


End file.
